The Palin Puzzle, in Which Many Questions Might Be Answered.

Inspired by the many articles about the inestimable Sarah Palin floating around here (and everywhere else, it seems lately), I decided to do a little digging. The woman fascinates me because she's living proof that intelligence, sense, or class aren't necessary, or even necessarily desirable, to be a public speaker and (dare I say it) pundit.

After studying the things she's said (all in public, verifiable sources), I became troubled: the woman reminded me of someone, somewhere, but I couldn't figure out who. I'm sure everyone knows how irritating it can be to have something right there but not quite within reach.

So, after a night spent following the traditional researcher's pastime of drinking, it came to me in a jaeger-soaked flash of inspiration. See, I'd been having trouble because the person Mrs. Palin reminded me of is male, and with that little logical twist out of the way everything fell into place.

The data was suggestive. Gender differences aside, both are white, middle aged, and wear glasses. Both have rapidly expanding chins. Both strongly profess conventional religious beliefs, and both are firm believers in the nuclear (or nukular, if you prefer) family. This year's Nobel laureates have nothing to fear from either one. Interesting, but admittedly vague so far.

However, after repeated study of the statments made, I came to the realization that the thoughts expressed, and the thought patterns behind the expressions, are eerily similar. In order to better demonstrate the similarities, I'll keep the identity of our mysterious Palin doppleganger until the end of this article; in the mean time, I'll let the readers judge the similarities for themselves.

Sarah Palin (SP): "...( a lot of nonsensical crap deleted)...snake oil science stuff that is based on this global warming, Gore-gate stuff that came down where there was revelation that the scientists, some of these scientists were playing political games."

Mystery Doppleganger (MD): "Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology."

Note the common themes of disdain for science and associated thought patterns.

SP: "I think that, if I were to give up and wave a white flag of surrender against some of the political shots that we've taken, that ... that would ... bring this whole ... I'm not doing this for naught."

MD: "I've got an idea--an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about."

Note the unusual combination of self-certainty and complete ignorance; in particular, note how both seem so uncomfortable with the idea of thought.

SP: "The only place that the left hasn't placed the blame is on their agenda, so some advice for our friends on that side of the aisle: that's where you've gotta look because that's what got you into this mess."

MD (to his wife): "If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going stand here and take this from a pervert."

Note how both deflect responsibility away from themselves while simultaneously launching a moral offensive toward... well, anyone else.

SP: "We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard working very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation."

MD: "Aww, oh God I always get these. Umm..okay..uhh..all right..firetruck..firetruck firetruck firetruck firetruck. What color are those red firetrucks? Uhh..Oh god I can picture them now...all red and everything."

Note the uncannily similar reactions to situations that require more than reading off a teleprompter.

SP: "They are kooks, so I agree with Rush Limbaugh. Rush Limbaugh was using satire ... I didn't hear Rush Limbaugh calling a group of people whom he did not agree with 'f-ing retards,' and we did know that Rahm Emanuel, as has been reported, did say that. There is a big difference there."

MD: "...don't say retard. we preffer to be called 'little people' because there is nothing wrong with being mentally challenged. In fact, i've learned we are superior, above all you dumb brainy smarties , and one day you will beg us for mercy...and we will consider it."

There's more here than just the use of the word "retard." Note how each adopts a similarly pedantic tone when 'explaining the obvious' to the hapless listener.

And last, but not least, here's a gem from our mystery man that Mrs. Palin should have said:

MD: "Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard."

Listener: "Do you listen to yourself when you talk?"

MD: "I drift in and out."

So, that pretty much sums up my argument. Look at the similarities; coincidence? I think not! The redoubtable Sarah Palin, darling of the far Right and mortal enemy of moose everywhere, shares a brain with none other than Peter Griffin, practicing Catholic and retard. Except Peter Griffin is funny, and Sarah Palin is funny... but unintentionally so.

I defy anyone to examine the available evidence, of which this is just a small sample, and tell me you don't see the pattern.